too outspoken maybe?

There is this one kind of attitude that i find very brave. Truthfulness. The courage of being frank and voicing out opinions or wants so suavely and confident that  you are so sure they have no fear at all. I admire these kind of people, seriously.

I have always been afraid. Afraid of doing anything really. I would think of how every single think i do will affect other people around me, and more selfishly, what would they think of me after. Like writing a post in this blog namely, i had always been cautious of what i write as i fear of telling too much truth about myself and at the same time scared of writing about things that would change the whole me. I hate being misjudged. But I doubt anyone can take what's on my mind everyday. Well, most of it are whines and complains. You'll get tired.

I know i once had been opinionated, well maybe too much i think. I say whatever in my head with out thinking any of the consequences no matter good or bad. Act first, think later, that's me. Be veryyy afraid to fight words with me, i'll so win that i'll make u cry. I hate making other people cry, it's awful. There are a number of events where everything i said was throughly unintentional, it's just what i felt and my opinions and the next thing i know i'm in BIG trouble. For the bpj's, remember my case with Ms.Aisyah? i think i'm cursed.  I just felt that certain truths and facts need to be pointed out for the sake of us, ourselves. It was never my intention to put shame on her at all. Well, i obviously got into trouble after that. To think, I have to say i have alot of cases involving the teachers ni. I remember asking back Mr.Chau about his pronunciation and whether it's correct. Then it spread all over English  Department that 'Athirah ni kurang ajar.' What ever happened to the freedom of speech??

So when i entered Langkawi, guess what Papa advised me? 'Jage mulut tuu.'  

  Hehe.  And I did. Well most of the time. Till to the extend now i have no courage at all to say what i think and want. I will not say that it's the best thing to do. I suffered just as well.

I had many says on what happened during school, and most of it are all negatives and soon it became anger. But i felt that i don't deserve to be angry to others because i know that i myself have some faults too. So i kept everything to myself, contained my every anger and release it every chance i had to the tennis wall. Every hit was so relieving, the harder i hit the better. But truth be told that i do feel lonely at the tennis court. I crave for anyone to come and play with me. I guess that everyone is afraid to join me because i have this preoccupied 'garang' look when i'm focusing. And, i'm too shy to invite myself to play with others. I am no longer the outspoken self that i used to be.

Now this habit is taking a huge toll on me. I'd never knew it will cause an effect so deep, and  only time can heal it but no one knows how long. It creates a wall between my relationship with others too because i have this weakness in lying and showing a smiling face that im okay.  It's like a cancer, i keep it to myself and soon it will grow and kill you slowly and painfully.  Yet i can't do anything about it.

I truly respect opinions, no matter positive or negative. But these things called 'umpatan', what good can it ever bring you? It'll only make things worst and ofcourse tambah dosa je. It's not like you're going to change anything for the better except of course you'll feel better of 'letting out' and  brainwash your gossip partner to hate the subject of the umpatan as well. But what's the point of 'letting out' if the subject doesn't change because he/she have no idea about his/her wrong doings? and the cycle kept repeating itself, the umpating continues, and the konon bad person continues what he/she is doing oblivious to the so called reality. Where is the love, man?? If you have no courage to say it out to the subject, don't make other people to hate him/her too. 

And to those who may concern. Don't make me turn to a real bitch just because you are one.